NME Awards 2011 Nominees announced, along with lowered expectations!

  Well, it's mid-January. No festive holidays to decorate for, regular predictions of severe winter weather, no one excited to do much of anything except stay inside and watch "Seinfeld" re-runs. You know what that means?

Obviously! The NME Awards must be right around the corner! Finally, because I was just saying to someone that what we really need is yet another televised ceremony for performers to congratulate themselves. But with a twist! This awards show would be a self-parody, to point out the absurdity of awards in the first place. The Brat Awards.


  It's funny, because it's ironic, get it?
  Everyone says it's uncool to care about awards, but if that's true, than Jarvis Cocker is uncool because he hosted it last year, and I know that to be physically impossible. The man's an enigma!
  As per usual, the nominees are comprised of a mixture of old favorites and whoever has gotten the most attention from the magazine in the past two years. The readers of NME who cast the votes are historically loyal, and you can count on the possibility of a  "Best New Band" winner with a multiple-year streak.
So, if movie critics and Rolling Stone can give their predictions for the season, why can't I throw my two cents in?
  Because they're cents, that's why. They're worth nothing in the U.K.
Best British Band: The Big Kahuna! While I'd hate to betray my beloved Arctic Monkeys, God knows they need another bronze finger like Oprah needs another talking outlet. Plus, 2010 wasn't their year. So I must stick with Muse. They won last year, and they'll win every year, because they have lasers, and a "handsome" frontman. Matt Bellamy can do no wrong to the readers.
Best International Band: With all the banging on about the Drums (bad joke, forgive me) the NME has kept up, you'd think they had a strong chance. And you'd be right. But Arcade Fire resurfaced this year with "Suburbs," and it was cocaine for critics. A win for the Waltons of indie.
Best Solo Artist: I've never much cared for this category. But if I have to pick, it'll be Laura Marling, because while her name appears in the alternative weeklies and hipster magazines, she still hasn't "sold out." Maintaining NME "It Girl/Guy" status is hugely important in this category.
Best New Band: This is where the Drums will shine. Where their competition is the same caliber as themselves, and no one's really that great anyway.
Best Live Band: It may sound redundant, but this award says an artist can walk the walk as well as talk the talk. NME values this because without it they lose half their stories. I put money on Biffy Clyro. Noel Gallagher said it best when he called them "[Britain's] Foo Fighters."
Best Album: Another biggie! Once again, Arcade Fire's celebrated return won't go unnoticed. But if the impossible happens, and they lose this one, count on Foals to bring up the rear with "Total Life Forever."
Best Track: Cee Lo Green with "Fuck You." The Glee kids decided that one months ago.
Best Video: Here's an interesting conundrum. On one hand, My Chemical Romance, a formerly-emo, reinvented-indie look with a video filled with ray guns. On the other, Gorillaz, a Damon Albarn production with no end to the technological fetishes and innovations. Albarn for the win with "Stylo."


  And now, the filler awards! C'mon, we all know it's true!
Best Festival: It's strange that with the importance of festivals in the UK music scene, this category wouldn't be more coveted. Reading & Leeds triumphs, because it hosted the long-awaited, glorious, spine-tingling reunion of the Libertines, one of the most heralded things to happen in UK music this year.
Best Dancefloor Filler: a.k.a, how the NME incorporates hip-hop and electro into the ceremony so that it doesn't seem elitist...or racist. I predict Tinnie Tempah with "Pass Out."
Best TV Show: I'm obsessed with Nevermind the Buzzcocks, but it's jumped the shark since Simon Amstel left to have a real career, so I will have to say Inbetweeners, again, because it's the television equivalent to the magazine.
Best Film: It's a toss-up between The Social Network and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, one movie that made me seriously question our obsession with being well-liked, and another, that made my face hurt from laughing. I wish it could be Michael Cera and Edgar Wright to get the finger this time, but more people use Facebook than play video games.
Hero of the Year: Julian Assange, for leaking the Pentagon Papers of the generation that has heard of the Pentagon Papers but really hasn't the faintest idea what they are.
Villain of the Year: Justin Beiber. Remember, this isn't my opinion, it's an evidence-suported hypothesis, completely objective.
Most Stylish: Noel Fielding is the human embodiment of this award. He is the King of Camden, the Sultan of Shoreditch, the Duke of Dalston, and the Baron of Brick Lane. Even pushing 40 years old, he out-cools most of his peers.
Least Stylish: Justin Beiber. That hair swish pisses off a lot of people!
Worst Album: The twelve-year-old with his own 3D movie. But what jumps out among these nominations is not Katy Perry, Jonas Brothers, or Cheryl Cole, but rather the NME's pride and joy Kings of Leon! Readers hold grudges for treason, their definition being any artist who abandons their status as "best-kept secret in the U.K." in exchange for new status as "new favorite band of American radio djs, who claim to have always been fans, but for some strange reason will only play the first two singles on the new album." Maybe I'm holding a grudge as well?
Worst Band: This is a stronghold in the Jonas home. I wonder what they do when they get a bronze finger in the mail every year? Do they display them? Burn them? Recycle them into sunglasses?
Best Blog: This is determined by who blogs most, leaving only one valid choice. Kanye West, forever and always.
Best Book: I didn't even know this category existed! It must have been created specially for Keith Richards, just so they can get him to the ceremony! Russell Brand is always there, with or without nominations.
Best Small Festival: Like the New Band title, this is bestowed upon the little festivals that could. The ones that try so hard to outgrow the shadows of Glasto and V Fest, but probably never will. I say Bestival, because it's just so cute!
Best Album Artwork: MGMT's "Congratulations." You've probably seen it everywhere without realizing it. It's incredibly simple to advertise.
Hottest Woman: Last year the incomparable Karen O won, a sign of a better future ahead, I should think. Hayley WIlliams will take this one, because she looks like the girlfriend of all the male NME readers.
Hottest Man: Once again, I must let down my white knight Alex Turner. His stubbornly long hair has thrown his hottness into question, and with girls still getting pictures of Matt Bellamy on their birthday cakes, the Muse frontman can't be beat.


  No matter the outcome, one thing you can always count on is plenty of booze to go around. After just twenty inebriated minutes, even McFly seem cool!